The “I Don’t Know What Phase We’re In” Phase of Marriage
My other half is cooking right now, and it smells wonderful. One of the reasons I married him is because he can cook. One thing I absolutely cannot do is cook. I’ve accepted this. I can make a solid breakfast, and that’s about where my culinary résumé ends.
I’ve been thinking about marriage lately, and honestly, it’s hard. If someone tells you it’s not, they’re lying, and it’s a big one. We’re well out of the honeymoon phase and into the… I don’t even know phase. Truly, I couldn’t tell you what phase we’re in.
It’s my first marriage and his second. That never bothered me. I always figured I’d marry someone older. But no one tells you what to expect. You grow up watching your parents’ marriage and think that’s the blueprint. Then you get older and see your friends’ marriages, your family’s marriages, and you realize there are about a hundred different versions. Still, no one tells you what to expect.
And honestly, I don’t think they can. Some people stay married to the same person forever, like my parents and his. Some get married twice or more. Some cheat. Some are widowed. Some never marry at all. I’m not even adding kids into this because that’s a whole different universe. People marry young, people marry later, people marry with age gaps. Love is love is love is love.
There’s a line from Sex and the City, I’m pretty sure it was one of the movies, that stuck with me. Charlotte gets asked if she’s happy in her marriage, and she says, “Every day. Not every moment of every day, but every day.” I’ve held onto that. Am I happy every day in my marriage? Yes. Am I happy every moment? No. And some days there’s only one moment I’m happy in my marriage, but those days are rare.
COVID was a real test for everyone, being locked in together can test all relationships. We went through some things, like most couples did, but I think we came out stronger. One thing I’ve learned is that at the core, we’re friends. Do we need space from each other sometimes? Oh, absolutely. But at the end of the day, or week, we always come back to each other.
And trust. We trust each other. Do we keep things from each other? Sure. Do we share the big things? Yes. Maybe not immediately, but in the end, we do share everything.
Sometimes we have the same conversation over and over because we’re both set in our ways, but we try, and we know these conversations are like history, doomed to be repeated in slightly different ways. Because change is hard and sometimes some things are just how they are.
Am I a marriage counselor? No. Do I have decades of marriage behind me? Also no. But I am married, and I like the idea of sharing some things, not everything, because marriage is commentary all on its own. There are times I swear we’re not in sync at all, and then out of nowhere our thoughts line up so perfectly it’s almost creepy.
So, every now and then, I’ll share things we’ve learned or things that have helped us. Sometimes it’s just nice to put something out there to see if I’m the only one, or if maybe, just maybe, we’re not alone.